For many families, separation and divorce is an emotionally, devastating time, where parents find themselves acting in ways that are not rational or cooperative.

Pick Up and Drop off Times

One of the most emotionally stressful times for a child is when a parent arrives to pick up or to drop off a child. Children are aware of the tension between the parents: they have experienced the shock and sadness too and may feel insecure about further conflict and tension.

To help support children, you can give them advance notice of any changes, show up on time and as planned. This gives children a sense of security - they can know and trust what will happen next. Keep to the arrangements as children can easily feel rejected and confused by unexplained failure to arrive or be dropped off at the expected time.

Practical tips for visits

• Visits are not times for parents to check up on each other or attempt to negotiate contentious issues. Children need to be able to go between both households without being questioned about what is happening in the other. Children will naturally want to talk about the other parent – but should not be ‘pumped’ for information. This distresses a child.
• Children need access to both parents therefore helping contact visits remain positive and stress free assists in relieving further grief to the child.
• It is better not to move children between households too close to their bedtime. Nor is it beneficial to the child to start out on an activity or outing the minute they arrive or return. Allow children to settle and adjust.
• Children may sometimes show distress in one form or other upon returning from seeing or staying with the other parent. The distress is usually real and a calm, empathic response will help children work out their own way of coping with their parent’s separation. Active listening allows the space for children to tell you in their own way what is going on, if they are aware of it and then to begin to work through it themselves.

Different Environments

Parents do not need to provide duplicate environments for their children concerning rules of behavior etc. On the other hand just as when both parents lived together it is important to reach broad agreement on matters of child rearing practices. It is not uncommon for there to be disagreements between parents about what is good or safe for children or other child rearing issues. Effectively finding ways to support children through working together will benefit their adjustment. Give each other time to settle before trying to negotiate changes.

Things to Avoid

Children are loyal and trusting of both parents, therefore as parents, we look to behave in ways that does not abuse their trust and not take advantage of children.

Messenger: Using children as messengers between the two parents teaches children that adults cannot talk honestly or directly to each other

Anger: Anger between parents has a destructive effect on children – and often covers deep hurt and grief.

I Spy: Asking child to report on the other parent is destructive; it is using a child for your own ends.

Disneyland Daddy, Mommy Santa: When visits are used just to give the child a good time, or outings and gifts take the place of normal parenting.

You can go if you like but we are going on a picnic: Do not set up competing activities, it spoils children’s pleasure in being with either parent.

Children have a right to:

• Be able to enjoy the love of both parents without excessive demands placed upon them.
• Feel proud of both parents and to be able to respect them
• See their parents behave towards each other with at least minimal courtesy, consideration and respect.
• Be listened to by both of their parents so that their needs are met

As parents, if we can have respect and hold all the people in our life dearly, then we can intuitively guide our children into developing confidently and able to meet many of life’s challenges.

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