How separation anxiety develops
As babies develop, they experience various emotions, usually in a predictable order. Before 8 months, infants are so new to the world that they have little knowledge of what is ordinary and what may be dangerous, so new situations or experiences seem usual, and not frightening.
In normal development, during this early period the infant becomes familiar with the home environment, and feels comfortable when parents or other known caretakers are present. After this time, lack of familiarity often produces fear because the infant recognizes that something unusual is going on.
From 8 - 14 months, children often become frightened when they meet new people or visit new places. They recognize their parents as familiar and safe. When separated from their parents, particularly when away from home, they feel threatened and unsafe.
Separation anxiety is a normal developmental stage. It helped keep our ancestors alive and helps children learn how to master their environment.
It usually ends when the child is around 2 years old. At this age, toddlers begin to understand that parents may be out of sight now, but will return later. There is also a normal desire to test their independence.
To get over separation anxiety, children must:
- Feel safe in their home environment
- Trust people other than their parents
- Trust that their parents will return
Even after children have successfully mastered this developmental stage, separation anxiety may return during periods of stress. Most children will experience some degree of separation anxiety when in unfamiliar situations, especially when separated from their parents.
Offer your baby a security object like a stuffed toy or a soft, familiar blanket. This can help your baby comfort himself while you are away.
Some helpful hints
- Play peek-a-boo with your child. This simple game teaches your baby that you go and come back again.
- Give your baby time to "warm up" to others and unfamiliar situations. Hug them and reassure them everything is okay.
- If you briefly leave the room, call out to them so they can hear your voice.
- If you need to leave your baby with other people give your baby a favorite toy, blankie or even an item of your clothing. This can give them a feeling of security
- Help your baby separate from you. Avoid leaving when he is hungry, tired or sick.
- Ask the caregiver or baby-sitter to sit nearby and hold an interesting toy. Let the baby warm up to the new person.
- Your baby may cry loudly, but don’t sneak away. Tell your baby what will happen while you’re gone. Say when you will return. Tell him, for example, “I need to leave now. Auntie Meg will play with you and give you lunch. I’ll be back before nap time. I love you.” Give your baby a kiss and leave. His cries will end soon. Over time he will learn that you always come back.
- Acknowledge and accept your child's feelings. Remember separation anxiety is not a sign of something being wrong. It is actually a positive sign of the child's attachment to the parent.
Reference: U.S. Department of Agriculture, U.S. Department of Education and U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, Healthy Start, Grow Smart, Your 11-Month-Old, Washington, D.C., 2002.
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