How to help your family through divorce without harming the kids.

When our lives take an unexpected turn and we find ourselves facing separation and divorce one of our greatest concerns is our children, how will they cope, how do we organize parenting arrangements, how do we tell the children we are separating and will I lose the children.

For many families, separation and divorce is an emotionally, devastating time, where parents find themselves acting in ways that are not rational or cooperative. Children react more to the way their parents handle the separation (this includes parental behavior and emotional well-being), than the actual situation of a parent leaving. Like you, children need time to work through it.

Children love both parents equally and nothing will change that. Criticism of one parent in front of the children, forces children to side with the criticized parent. This may not happen immediately, but it may as the children mature. The more the parents of children separating respect each other the easier it is for the child.

As caretakers of our children, a child’s sense of self-esteem and self-love is supported when each parent is respected by the other.  Children have attributes of both parents – being respectful to the other parent results in your child feeling deeply respected and cared for. He or she can continue to take what they need emotionally and physically from both parents and thrives on knowing that both their parents acknowledge the love they had for each other (and therefore them). What is between the parents needs to remain between the parents.

In situations of separation when the parents take good care of themselves, their stress levels, their emotional wellbeing, their bodies (eating correctly) and maintaining respect for each other, then the children will easily find their way. They will continue to feel supported by both parents, and benefit from the wisdom of parents taking responsibility for their emotional responses.

Things to Avoid

Children are loyal and trusting of both parents, therefore as parents, we look to behave in ways that does not abuse their trust and not take advantage of children.

Messenger: Using children as messengers between the two parents teaches children that adults cannot talk honestly or directly to each other
Anger: Anger between parents has a destructive effect on children – and often covers deep hurt and grief.
I Spy: Asking child to report on the other parent is destructive; it is using a child for your own ends.
Disneyland Daddy, Mommy Santa: When visits are used just to give the child a good time, or outings and gifts take the place of normal parenting.
You can go if you like but we are going on a picnic: Do not set up competing activities, it spoils children’s pleasure in being with either parent.

Children have a right to:

• Love and be loved by both parents
• Be able to enjoy the love of both parents without excessive demands placed upon them.
• Feel proud of both parents and to be able to respect them
• See their parents behave towards each other with at least minimal courtesy, consideration and respect.
• Be listened to by both of their parents so that their needs are met

As parents, if we can have respect and hold all the people in our life dearly, then we can intuitively guide our children into developing confidently and able to meet many of life’s challenges.

Related Tips

• Divorce and separation - Tips for visits (ages 2-4)
• For many families, separation and divorce is an emotionally, devastating time, where parents find themselves acting in ways that are not rational or cooperative.
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